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Mondays With Mullane ep20 - The Commonwealth Games

The Commonwealth Games is a quadrennial international multi-sport event. The games bring together former British colonies. The event was first held in 1930. The next date is March 2026. Now, there is a problem.

WARNING: The Following Article is an Opinion Piece written by The Anonymous Author Mullane. This article respresents his views and not that of The Anonymous Publishing House. Free speech as well as freedom of expression and opinion are a fundimental and natural right for all. Censorship will only ever silence the truth and in the persuit of free speech there may be times where you read words objectionable to you and your beliefs. Either contest and debate the opinions expressed, or skip to the next article/video.

We might not agree with the words written below, but we will fight til our last breath for the authors rights to say them.

Where to stage the event. It's not that Comrade Dan Andrews, the communist despot dictator of Victoria, cancelled the games; it's the fact he nominated his state to host the games.

Now, let's put things in perspective. There are only four first-world nations. Australia, New Zealand, Great Britain and Canada. New Zealand, as a first-world country, is questionable after being ruled by the lefty lunatic Jacinda Ardern. Her failed attempt to convert NZ to a socialist utopia instead turned NZ into a failed dystopia. This means mass migration to Australia, lowering our IQ average.

The other countries are primarily obscure third-world shitholes, excluding Singapore. In some of these countries, democracy and human rights are lacking. Graft and corruption are embedded in their DNA. If graft and corruption were a sport, these countries would be fucking gold medalists for sure. Many athletes come to the games for the unofficial events—sexual gymnastics.

Let's be honest: the Commonwealth Games are a collection of competitors participating in some of the most obscure so-called sports. How many people would pay to watch a 185 cm 120-kilo hairy-chested shot puter, and that's the female competitor? What about the 196 cm 150 kilos bald New Zealand trans weight lifter? In my opinion, if you are born with a dick, you aren't a chick. This delusional dude looks like an All Blacks front-rower. The only thing missing is the cauliflower ears. How the fuck could he look in the mirror and say, "I'm so pretty; I enjoy being a girl."

This trans weightlifter was disqualified in the snatch-and-jerk event. The judges ruled he never had the correct snatch. So he jerked off. It was a total balls up. Lots of women's sports included. Our lesbians can lick your lesbians. The male athletes shave their legs because they don't want to be mistaken for the lesbian competitors.

Some member countries endeavoured to include sports they knew they would excel at. India tried to have elephant herding and telephone scamming, Pakistan bomb-throwing burning Christians, Sri Lanka asylum seeking, Muslim countries wanted to include homosexuals being thrown off high-rise buildings, Northern Ireland bomb-making, New Zealand sheep shagging, Australia thong throwing and beer drinking. The UK rubber raft refugee rescues. The games committee is considering these requests.

The host country caters to other countries' varied culinary preferences. India curried ratatouille. Pakistan has a bowl to beg off the other competitors: New Zealand Lamb, Australian sausages on white blotting paper with onions, meat pies, the UK fish and chips, pork pies, Canada buffalo burgers, and African nation's elephant steaks. The Papua New Guinea team protested that no humans were on the menu.

The opening ceremonies try to include all that's good about the host country. Some ceremonies would be brief. The Gold Coast Commonwealth Games opening ceremony was four hours of Aboriginal dancing, smoking ceremonies and welcome-to-country. The event went longer than scheduled because they forgot how to throw a boomerang, but eventually, it came back to them. Also, the spectators accidentally speared required treatment.

A lot of the competitors from third world-shitholes kept on running out of the stadium. The attraction of a first-world country with benefits was overwhelming. They resurfaced seeking asylum. The Nigerian team forfeited their boxing matches when they were informed it was one-on-one and no knives were allowed. Some competitors from piss ant countries pick whoever volunteers. They are so slow they use a calendar instead of a stopwatch. If nagging were an event, my wife would be on the podium.

Now, back to the fact the 2026 games don't have a venue yet. After despot, Dan cancelled the games for Victoria. The Gold Coast Mayor put his hand up front for a change. Tom, please don't sue me. I mean a change of location. Tom Terrific Tate said, "We are ready; we need money from state and federal governments."

The 2018 games were disastrous for many Gold Coast businesses. Peter Beattie, an ex-QLD Premier labor party hack, jobs for the boys, was tasked with organising the Gold Coast games. Beattie couldn't organise a fuck in a brothel with a handful of $100 notes. Beattie instructed people to stay away from the Gold Coast. He stated traffic would be horrific. Now, the good citizens of the Gold Coast obeyed this directive. As a result, Southport, Main Beach, Broadbeach, and Surfers Paradise became ghost towns. Shop retailers and restaurants lost thousands, and staff was laid off. The Gold Coast Commonwealth Games legacy is a collection of hideous, brightly coloured units. And no trotting track or showground.

Gina Reinhardt has suggested a plan to stage the games on the East Coast Gold Coast and the West Coast in Perth. This would be a logistical nightmare. Think about it. The elderly lawn bowlers might not have enough time to make the trip. Old bowlers never die; they can't lift their balls. The youth games competitors could become ineligible due to their age when travelling from the East Coast to the West Coast; they could have a birthday.

The Commonwealth Games is a relic of the defunct British Empire, and today is irrelevant. A collection of athletes, most below the Olympic standard, competes in sports nobody usually watches. Interest in the games is waning faster than Anthony Albanese's and Anna Pluckachook's ratings in the opinion polls.

A second-rate royale usually opens the games. Prince Andrew said, "Yes, for sure, no sweat." He also requested tickets to attend the youth girls' gymnastics. Harry is waiting on Meghan's permission. It looks like Charley and Camilla are it. Camilla gives hope to all ugly girls that a bit on the side mistress can one day become a queen. Speaking of elderly queens, maybe Elton John could open the games.

In summary, let's let the Commonwealth Games do what never happened to the British Empire in the past. Let the sun set on the games. Australia contributes $5.9 million to commonwealth countries. To help with climate change, societal engagement, and LGBTIQABCXYZ rights. Penny Wong has a hand in this decision. Her fingers are all over it. Pun intended. The games are 11 days of boring, tedious TV. The commentators try to infuse excitement into the events between gulping down copious amounts of NO-Doze tablets. How do you generate excitement over the discus throw or synchronised swimming? Have you noticed no countries are offering to host the games? I say let it die a painless death. No one would give a rat's arse except the asylum seekers.

Danny Mullane

Buy Danny's controversial memoir Car Dealers and Other (Honourable) Professions below.

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